Thoughts After The End
by There Was A Silence
Summary: Anger. Regret. Sadness. Pain. When one of four friends passes, the other three are left with thoughts and feelings similar to these. Depressing one shot. EDITED! HAS AN ENDING NOW! Forgive me...


**Right.**

**So.**

**This is the second oneshot in my series of three depressing oneshots that are so long they're pretty much not oneshots. Don't worry though, I'm determined to make this one shorter. Joy, right?**

**Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed and read! You have no idea how much that meant to me, to have so many people favorite me and my first story was an unbelievable thing, with an unbelievable feeling. Virtual cookies for everyone!! This next one is Kanda. It's a different style than the first one, so I'm very, very sorry if it's suckish.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned dgm, well, some of the main characters would be dead my now.**

_Lenalee:_

It shouldn't have been like this.

He was too big a part of her world, he was never supposed to die. Even if he had been, she would've expected it to be heroic, strong, the way he was. Not because he just ran out of time.

_Allen:_

Stupid Bakanda.

He's an annoying bastard. What's wrong with him? How could he just disappear? Allen should have been the one to kill him for being an anti-social jerk, not some stupid flower.

_Lavi:_

Damn, Yu was really getting on his nerves.

Lavi actually felt things after he died. And what's more, that feeling was _sadness_. True, honest pain. He wasn't even supposed to _have_ emotions. But Yu just had to go and make it so increasingly obvious that that was a load of crap. Dammit. If Yu had just lived, he wouldn't be in this situation, and the stupid old Panda wouldn't be glaring at him.

_Lenalee:_

Why did it have to happen, though? Why?

Someone like Kanda, someone as strong and good as him, why would someone like him die? It didn't make sense to her. Even if Kanda had been hard for her to reach, she knew that deep within him he was just as scared as the rest of them, and cared for his friends more than he was willing to admit. Deep down, he wasn't a good person, he was a great person, one she admired and respected and cared about. And she knew, without a second thought, it would never make sense to her. He was gone, and she would never know why, _why_ God had done such a thing.

_Allen:_

What he just couldn't figure out was why.

Kanda wasn't the type to just die. He was the type that wouldn't die no matter how much you killed him, just like Allen's master. And Allen knew this for a fact; it had actually become annoying how much he _lived_ after undergoing such experiences. But all those experiences must have finally caught up with him, otherwise he'd be there, right then, to yell at Allen and call him a beansprout. And as much as Allen hated himself for it, he really, really wished he was there to do that. And he should have been. Because it simply made no sense for him to have died.

_Lavi:_

One of the perks of being a Bookman was getting to know things that the rest of the world wouldn't. It was a pretty cool privilege, actually. It happened to be the main reason he'd become a Bookman, in truth. But one thing he just didn't know, and it really annoyed him greatly, was why Yu Kanda was dead.

Honestly, no matter how long and hard he thought about it, the answer simply wouldn't come. Sure, there was the general explanation— a curse, a flower, that stuff. But those words just didn't fit. It didn't make sense for Yu to die like that. Maybe after killing a Noah in the Ark, or maybe of a heart attack from too much soba. These fitted him better. But a stupid flower? Not Yu. Damn, he could get pushed out of an eight story window, fight off a level three akuma, survive a week in the arctic only living on God knows what, eat a cup of soba or whatever the hell else he felt like doing, and still not die. Yu just couldn't die like that. His hair was too cool.

_Lenalee:_

However, she knew she'd never understand why he was taken away. It was something she accepted, something she could live with. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't have done anything. After the first couple of days, she'd finally managed to see that fact. But she couldn't ignore the fact that he'd given signs.

During those last few days, he'd gotten softer. At least with her. She had no idea how he'd been with Allen and Lavi, but she knew how he'd been with her, how he'd smiled just a little more, how when she bumped into him in the hallway he just shook his head and told her to be more careful, otherwise she'd get hurt. His strange behavior had hit Lenalee, had processed, but she had written it off as a better attitude towards life. She hadn't thought anything peculiar. And now that she looked back on it, it was so painfully obvious. Especially the last time she'd spoken to him.

He had searched the entire Order looking for her specifically, and she learned from him that that endeavor had taken about an hour. The Black Order was huge, after all. But then he'd done something that he'd never done before— something that made Lenalee smile so huge and bright, she recalled clearly the flush of color on his cheeks at the action.

Kanda had asked her to meditate with him.

Of course, she'd accepted. She'd gone with him, swearing to herself to be on her best behavior, so that she might give this a chance to happen again. But at the same time, she wanted to be present for this, and make note of every second of it. Any chance to get to know Kanda better was one she wanted to savor. So she had. And every moment with him during that last time, every last second, had been a time she would never forget. She wouldn't let herself forget that. It was the most precious memories she'd had of Kanda in a long time, and to have them be their final conversation… well that just made it all the more special. But there had been something just a little off near the end of her visit. As she was leaving, laughing and smiling for the first time with him in a long while, he'd paused, and looked back into his room. I followed his gaze, and my eyes came to rest on a flower. It only had two petals left, and one was shaking uncertainly, as though it wasn't sure whether to stay alive or join its fallen comrades. As we watched, the petal made its decision, and gracefully floated to the bottom of the vase, where it browned instantly, unnaturally, and out of the corner of her eye, she'd seen Kanda go rigid. She turned to him, asked him what was wrong, if he needed anything. He'd simple shaken off her worries with a scoff, and assured her more than once he was fine. But his eyes said otherwise. His eyes held several emotions, most of which were not fine on any standards. It took her quite a while to figure those out. She'd recognized anger, regret, acceptance… fear. Kanda, scared. And she remembered pondering over that particular emotion as she walked away, and she made the mistake of turning around. The sight that greeted her was one of Kanda— one arm was clutching at his stomach, as though to keep himself together, while the other hand gripping the door frame for support just to keep from falling over. On his face was a grimace, one that, unlike his eyes, only held two emotions. Agony, and fear. That sight of him so vulnerable, so weak, had scared Lenalee. Scared her horribly. And what had she done? Instead of going for the head nurse, instead of returning to him, she'd turned, and walked away.

Her reasoning had been that he wouldn't want help, she knew him well enough to know that he was too proud to ever admit he needed it. To go back would just make him angry, and he'd push away any nurse that came to his aid. In the end, he'd just stick it out alone until he got better, which he always did. That though she kept replaying in her head— he always got better.

The next day Kanda had gone on a mission, and when he came back two days later, Lenalee had forgotten to welcome him home. Lying in bed that night, she had told herself that she'd do it in the morning, and she'd also make sure he was okay. But she never got to. He had gone that night, and she hadn't even welcomed him home. She'd never forgive herself for that.

_Allen:_

He didn't understand why, but hell, no one could know why. It was something that couldn't have been helped, or prevented. Some stupid curse and some stupid flower that killed a good exorcist; that's something no one would understand. But what I really hate that stupid Bakanda for is that he just keeps making me remember the last few days.

Because now that he thought about it, it had been so obvious something was up. And Allen just hadn't noticed it, which made him feel even worse. Damn that Kanda, making him feel this way. He shouldn't have died. He just shouldn't have.

In the beginning, Kanda had just seemed to be in a worse mood than usual. And Allen had paid it no mind, he just returned the bad attitude the same way. He hadn't noticed Kanda's increase in cursing, or the fact that he was shutting himself in his room more often. He hadn't seen that he was being unusually nice with Lenalee, and hadn't caught on that dark circles were starting under his eyes. But these weren't what he regretted the most. Because even if Allen had noticed any of these things, he knew they wouldn't have triggered the fact that something serious was wrong. No, what he regretted the most was that he hadn't noticed his eyes.

Kanda's eyes had gained a deep, tired quality. As though the war was finally getting to him. And it was so clear. Allen would think back to those last few days, and could now clearly see how Kanda had been slowly withering away.

The last time they'd fought, Kanda's legs had suddenly given out beneath him, and Allen had won quickly. But he felt no joy at the victory, because something seemed seriously wrong with him. "Kanda, are you alright?" He had asked as he stepped toward him, anger and hatred momentarily forgotten. Kanda's head snapped up, and if looks could kill, Allen would have been swimming in a pool of his own doom. "What's it to you, stupid moyashi?!" Allen had frowned and spat back, "Fine! I probably am stupid for worrying about you. If you die, I'll make sure not to care!" Of course Allen hadn't meant the words. Such things were always said between them, and neither person had ever given them a second thought. But that day, at those words, he'd watched as a strange expression crossed Kanda's face, and without another word, he stood and walked away. Allen remembered the feeling of confusion at Kanda's reaction to his statement, and how he had simply shrugged it off. But now that Kanda was gone, it was the only thing he could think of, and how badly he wished he could take it back. If he had known then what Kanda was going through, what was about to happen to him, he would never have said it.

But he hadn't known it, and he had said it, and now it was too late.

_Lavi:_

He really hated his memory sometimes.

Normally, he prided himself on his amazing photographic Bookman memory, but it had its downsides. Like with the last few days Yu had been alive. He remembered every detail, every word, every feeling and movement to precise excellence.

It was one of those things he just really wanted to forget.

Because he'd seen it. He'd watched as Yu had begun to change, and known immediately it was for the worse. He'd very quickly put the pieces together and found out what it meant. He'd noted his mood changes, from anger toward Allen to kindness toward Lenalee. And what had he done about it? Nothing. He'd recorded the fact for the archives, and passed over it as though Yu wasn't one of his best friends. He remembered the last time they'd spoken, and how he'd known he didn't have much time left.

"Don't tell them."

That was what Kanda had said. They had been in the training room, and he had just been chasing Lavi and slashing with mugen because the redhead had tried to braid his hair. Now he had Lavi cornered, at his mercy with his sword at his throat. Lavi had been squeaking out apologies when he'd said that. He remembered perfectly as the blade sunk back down to its owner's side, recalled exactly the feeling of that fake grin that he had performed at the words.

"Don't tell who what, Yu? Don't tell Komui that you just tried to kill me? Because you can bet I will—"

Kanda sneered, cutting him off impatiently. "Don't take me for a fool. You're nowhere near as good at hiding things as you think you are." Lavi hadn't had the time to feel insulted because Kanda just scoffed and continued. "You know I don't have much time left. So I'll only say it once— forget about it. Forget you know anything. Say one word to anyone, and I'll cut you." The glint in his eyes and aura of death coming off him told Lavi that he was serious, and it was best not to question him. But as Kanda was walking away, curiosity had gotten the better of him, and before he could stop himself, he called to his back, "Why?"

Kanda paused, one foot out the door. Lavi hadn't been able to see his face when he'd spoken because he hadn't turned, but he remembered every single word.

"They shouldn't have to know something like that. Neither should you."

And with that, Kanda had left the training room for the very last time, leaving Lavi speechless.

He could see Kanda as he walked away, and he remembered the sole thought that had run through his mind as he watched him.

_This is the last time I'll talk to him._

And he hated himself for that thought. Partly because he had brushed the thought away as soon as it had come, and partly he had been right.

_Lenalee:_

She remembered the first time she had gathered enough courage to leave her room after it happened, she had randomly expected to see him sitting there, eating his soba. Instead, she saw an empty table, with a shadow of a memory or a dark haired exorcist. She left in tears instantly. The void left where he had been was hollow and cold, and Lenalee could hardly bear it.

_Allen:_

It may have been crazy—scratch that, he _knew_ it was crazy— but he was really missing that girly-haired arrogant exorcist. Echoing in his ears were shouts of "damn moyashi" and "I'll cut of that white hair of yours" and for some reason, whenever he remembered, he either gave a half-hysteric melancholy laugh or felt tears burn the back of his eyes. He didn't actually hate Kanda, as much as he'd have liked to. He hadn't _always_ been a jerk. Sure, most of the time, but not all time. Despite all of their fights and arguments, Kanda had been one of his very close friends. And, at that moment, he'd give anything to have him back, even if he'd never admit it.

_Lavi:_

He could search his brain and find several incidents when they'd been stuck on long train rides and Lavi had found himself bored, and ten minutes later, he'd be running from train compartment to train compartment to get away from the homicidal samurai. Several meals spent torturing Kanda with his first name, several missions where he'd saved Lavi's neck. He chuckled at the memories, and with a sudden heavy heart, he realized that he'd never get to experience such times with his anger challenged friend again. That thought alone made the future Bookman want to tear every parchment that included that particular exorcist, just because the intensity of the sadness and regret that he felt were two emotions that Lavi did not want to feel ever again. Damn. Yu just had to go and _die_.

(….)

_Three exorcists stood at a grave in the courtyard of the Black Order._

_Resting in front of the tombstone, petals waving lightly in the gentle breath of May air, was a lotus flower._

**Right. So that hurt to write… I really liked the ending. I hope it was good and that you liked it. If not, I'm not put down or anything, I understand if you think it's sucky. It's the first time I tried a style like this anyway, so… yeah. And again, thank you to everyone who reviewed, they meant more than I could say, and reviews for this one would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for bothering to read it!!**

**~There Was A Silence**


End file.
